A Breaking Dawn Story
by Falling.Twilight
Summary: Originally named How Breaking Dawn Sucks. The fourth book of the series made into a parody made up of several parts, made especially to see why the book was so bad! Not recommended for BD lovers. Chapter 15 Up: Here They Come On Their Ponies.
1. Telling Mum & The Honeymoon

**Somebody had to show the world why Breaking Dawn was so bad. Not recommended for Breaking Dawn lovers!**

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**PART 1 – TELLING MUM.**

Bella picked up the phone and bit her lower lip. She didn't know how to break this news to her mother, the devoted believer in late marriage. Would she forbid her to marry Edward? Would she carry her straight to Jacksonville after - ?

'Hello?' Renee's voice answered from the other side of the line.

Bella took in a deep breath. 'Mum, I'm getting married to Edward.'

'Okay, baby, tell me when I've got to go so I can check Phil's schedule.'

'What?' Bella asked, confused. 'You're not going to tell me anything?'

'Of course not! That would ruin the rest of the plot, now, wouldn't it? No, sweetie, I think you're old enough to get married to whomever you want.'

'But you're so opposed to marriage!'

'I know baby, but Mrs Meyer has been dying to write a wedding scene. From what I hear, hers was horrible, so now she's canalizing her dreams through you. Besides, you're more mentally mature than I was at your age, darling! I am a mature woman now, and I see my mistakes. You won't make them. Now, where did I leave those jelly beans?'

'Mum, I'm eighteen,' Bella insisted.

'Do you want me to stop this wedding, Bella? Because all you do is try to convince me into stopping you.'

'No! No, not at all. I love Edward, mum. I do. He's absolutely gorgeous and perfect in every physical aspect.'

'What about his personality?' Renee asked.

'Well, um… he's kind… and… honest… and beautiful…'

'Oh, baby, you're so in love!' Renee sighed delighted.

'Of course I am. I told you he was beautiful.'

'Don't worry, everything will be alright. Your aunt Sylvia got married at fourteen and never regretted it.'

'Did it turn out alright for her?'

'She died giving birth at fifteen.'

'Oh.'

That night, Bella dreamed of her marriage. Aunt Sylvia was there, beautiful at the age of fifteen, beside an old man of approximately a hundred and seven, _Edward's age._ At the altar, Mrs Meyer started to give them her blessing, when she suddenly pushed Bella of La Push's cliff and replaced her beside Edward.

That was when she woke up, screaming and covered in sweat.

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**PART 2 – THE HONEYMOON.**

'I'm so hungry I could eat a hippopotamus,' Bella sighed as they arrived to Isle Esme. Edward disregarded her comment and, throwing their bags inside the cottage, he caught Bella in his arms and took her to their room.

'It's a little hot in here, isn't it?' Edward's crooked smile dazzled Bella into a blank, and she immediately blushed deep red.

'I need a human minute,' she whispered.

'No problem. I'll be swimming in the sea, totally nekkid, waiting for you. Most probably the hot water will enlarge my extremities, since atoms start to vibrate faster and faster, but no pressure, Bella. Take your time.'

'En…large?'

THREE HOURS, THIRTEEN MINUTES, FORTY-SEVEN SECONDS LATER.

Bella clutched her arms and curled up on the bathroom floor, rocking backwards and forwards with her eyes opened wide.

'I can't do this, I can't, I can't…'

_But wait,_ said a voice inside her head._ You're the one obsessed with sex. Are you backing off now?_

'Of _course_ not!' she replied to herself aloud. 'I want my sex!'

_Because you love Edward, right?_

'Yes, I do! He's the most beautiful person in this world!'

_So go for it! He's NAKED!_

'Yes, absolutely! What is there to be afraid of? Pain? Please! How could it hurt being penetrated by an ice stick? I can just pretend it's a popsickle!'

Beaming, she stood up and wrapped a towel around her naked body. She eyed the bag in the floor.

'Should I take condoms?' she wondered. After a second, she smiled again. 'Of course not! How could anyone get pregnant from a vampire filled with raging venom sperms?'

Bella dashed to the beach and threw her towel aside, diving into the water with extreme hurry. When she arrived to where Edward was standing, she wrapped her legs around his and placed her hands on his chest. Her mouth reached his, and his lips started moving eagerly against hers.

'I love you, Bella,' Edward whispered between kisses, rubbing his hands against her back.

'You're beautiful too,' she replied. With a naughty smile, she pressed herself harder against him, and his hands slid to her chest…

_*INSERT ANNOYING BLACK OUT HERE.*_

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**The first two chapters suck, so I had to put them both together. Next chapter will be up tomorrow! ;)**


	2. Fetus On The Way

**I don't own any of the characters mentioned in this story, including Melanie and Wanda. Unluckily.**

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**PART 3 – FETUS ON THE WAY**

'Edward? Please stop trying to divert me. I want you. Now. Inside me.'

'Bella, I'll hurt you,' Edward pleaded with her, narrowing his eyes. 'Haven't you realized in three consecutive books how I have no self-esteem? I'm the lowest monster ever Bella, and no matter how hard I want to butter your muffins, I can _kill_ you. I have no self control. I'm gonna hurt you so much. I can rip your throat. I can break your ribs. I can rip off your head off and eat your brain, Bella, or break your spine and pain you endlessly!'

'No worries, our baby will do that anyway,' Bella shrugged. 'Besides, we can always ask Wanda to steal some No Pain.'*

'Bella, you're going to die,' Edward whispered.

The girl grabbed his neck fiercely. 'Fuck me.'

'Fine.'

*_FADE OUT – SO UNEXPECTED.*_

When Bella woke up the next morning, the smell of delicious food hung in the air around her. She tiptoed to the kitchen and found Edward – cooking?

'You can cook?' Bella asked, bewildered.

Edward flashed her a dazzling smile. 'Bella, what can I _not_ do? I speak seventeen different languages, amongst them Oompa Loompa, can paint and sculpt, compose music, play the piano, guitar, saxophone, cello, and the kalimba; I can dance, sing, and rap, dance Arabic like Shakira, write novels, read the Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter series all in two hours; I can fix cars, fix trucks, fix airplanes, fix ships, fix bicycles, and fix computers and TVs. Oh, and I'm absolutely beautiful and perfect in every sense of the word, plus, I'm a sex god. Didn't you think I would be able to cook?'

Bella stared at him. 'Yeah sure. Anyway, I'm so hungry I could eat three grizzlies and two horses. Feed me, bitch.'

But no sooner she had tasted the chicken, it passed from being wonderful to disgusting, and the urge to vomit was suddenly alarming in her throat.

'Bella?' Edward called as she ran to the bathroom and crouched beside the sink. 'Oh my god. The chicken was bad. I… I can't _cook_.'

'Edward, could you _please_ give me my bag?' Bella asked him, her eyes tearful from throwing up. 'You know, the one with the condoms and the pregnancy test inside.'

And out of the blue came her answer. Condoms… pregnancy test…

'Edward!' Bella almost shrieked. 'Edward, I've got food poisoning!'

'Wrong theory, darling.'

'Oh.'

And out of the blue came her answer. Not food poisoning… Condoms… Pregnancy test…

'Edward, I'm pregnant and I'm going to have your babies,' Bella said.

But Edward wasn't responding. He was still, staring at her, frozen in place. Bella quickly stood up and stared at herself in the mirror. There it was – a _small but defined bump_, something that obviously shouldn't be there until another two months. But anyway, this was a half-vampire baby. Anything could happen.

_Bella!_ her inside voice scolded her. _You're eighteen!_

_So what?_ she answered hastily.

_You're eighteen and you're fucking pregnant. You crazy bitch._

_What? It's totally normal._

_Where were you in Sexual Education classes?_

_I was home schooled in that aspect. How do you think __I__ was born? Duh._

_You'll be a mother at eighteen._

_But they're Edward's babies! They'll be SO beautiful!_

_So…_

_I'll love them!_

'Edward, are you with me?' Bella asked out loud, leaving her internal conversation aside. Her husband, however, was still where she had left him, staring at the same spot where she had been sitting down. 'Edward…?' She gave him a slight push with her finger and he fell flat on the floor, on the exact same position as he had been standing. 'Oh my GOD, _Edward!_'

He seemed to wake up after the blow on his head, and he stared at Bella's tummy, but before he could say anything, the phone rang and Bella answered.

'Hello?' she said warily.

'Bella?' Alice's voice on the other side sounded worried. 'I know something is wrong, but conveniently, I weirdly don't know what it is, so I'll let you speak with Carlisle, I don't know why, but conveniently he's the doctor. Oh, did you use the condoms I gave you? Ah, don't thank me. Nobody would want you getting pregnant with a vampire baby! Toodles, Bells!'

Bella stared at the phone until Carlisle picked it up.

'Bella, you there?'

'Carlisle, my period is ten days late. I have a bump sticking between my hips. I cry for everything. I cried when I watched _Flubber_ last night. I'm desperately hungry and yet repulsed by food at the same time.'

'That's how being married is. I feel your pain. Don't worry.'

'Oh, and I had unsafe sex with your vampire not-son.'

'Yep, pregnant all the way. Give me Edward.'

Bella handed her husband the cellphone and stared at him.

'Hello, Carlisle? Yes. Yes… I know. It's so weird… What? I didn't know…! How would I know _something_ would come out of there…! What do you mean?! Of course I've masturbated, but how can I know…! Yes, well, I know…! I know I'm a hundred and seven and have had sixty two Sexual Education classes, but how could I _imagine_…! Masturbation and actual sex is totally different…! Of _course_ I was a virgin before…! DAD! Okay, love you, bye.'

Edward was suddenly on his feet. 'Bella, I'll rip that thing out of you.'

'But it's your _son_!' Bella screamed. 'And he'll be BEAUTIFUL! You'll love him so much, Edward!'

'It will kill you and take your beauty away from my side! I'd rather kill a thousand babies, Bella, even if they're my own.'

'Edward,' Bella said slowly, 'Edward, millions, millions, and I mean _millions_ of fangirls would kill for this opportunity. If you think I'll let you kill _your baby_, and I mean _your – fucking – baby_, you're dreadfully wrong.'

Edward stared at her. 'If you let me kill it, we'll have sex for a month every night, as many times as you want.'

'_That's so low, Edward!_ And yet… so tempting.'

_So you're an eighteen year old mother who would exchange her baby for sex? _The voice inside her head returned again. _That's even lower, you freaking klutz. I hate being you._

_Pssh, try talking to Melanie Stryder and __then__ you'll see.*_

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*** References to Stephenie Meyer's novel The Host.**

**Review, please? It encourages to keep writing.**


	3. From Beta To Alpha

**Before I go on with the next chapter, I really want to thank those reviewers and friends who I love so so much.**

**Firstly to Teenage Guy, because you totally made my day with that comment.**

**Then to Mandy, because you're my faithful follower through and through as well as a friend. You inspire me.**

**And to BGE, because you're my other faithful follower through and through as well as a friend, and because you rock for spreading the word about this fic to your friends. You rock. So now you can stop harrassing my inbox.**

**And to all the rest who reviewed this story, because, frankly, no matter how much I love the series, I still pretend Breaking Dawn never happened.**

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**PART 4 – FROM BETA TO ALPHA.**

_Dudes, I just came back from the Cullen's._

_Excuse me, Mr Dude, there are female here as well. You are all so misogynistic!_

_Shut the wolf up, Leah._

_What did you see, Jacob?_

_Bella's fucking pregnant with Edward's baby, Sam. And it's killing her. It's sucking out her blood. It's killing her slowly, painfully, and if she dies, I'm going to become emo._

_NO!_

_Shut up, Quil._

_This is certainly a new threat. We must protect our people._

_From what? A fetus?_

_From whatever it's going to become._

_A baby?_

_In later stages of life, Jacob._

_A very fucked up human?_

_Think of our people, Jacob!_

_Dude, La Push and Forks are, like, miles away. How is a fetus going to crawl into First Beach and kill all of us?_

_But Jacob, our people will be in danger! Imagine if that fetus becomes something more terrible than a vampire._

_Miley Cyrus?_

_Shut up, Quil._

_But Bella wants that thing! We cannot kill it!_

_We don't know what it will become. Our people need that thing killed._

_But it's inside Bella! How are you going to –_

_OKAY, EVERYONE, TIME TO GET STARTED._

_No, Sam, I won't allow it. You will NOT kill Bella._

_And you WILL shut the fuck up and obey me._

_NEVER. My granddad was NOT born to obey YOUR granddad. I'm the rightful Alpha of the pack, and I don't follow your orders!_

_You want a piece of me?!_

_BRING IT ON, BITCH._

_Okay, guys, no need to get all fired up…_

_I'm fucking leaving this place. I'll protect Bella._

_But Jacob, think of our people!_

_Jacob, stay!_

_Toodles, Lassie._

_Come back!_

_Our people, Jacob!_

_Jake, wait!_

_Our people!_

_Come on, dude, stay with us…_

_OUR PEOPLE OUR PEOPLE OUR PEOPLE!_

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**I know it sucks but I had to include the Book of Jacob in some way before Bella becomes a vampire, although Jacob's part was the only part I actually liked.**

**It's like the Twilight movie. An hour and fifteen minutes of shit, and then the baseball scene.**

**(And then shit again. Except for Victoria, because she's my role-model.)**

**REVIEW! Please?**

**Love, Me :3**

**PS: Yes, I'm going to become a vampire and kill people like Victoria with a super hot and trendy outfit. It helps we have the same name.**


	4. Lamest Attempt Ever & Jacob's Proposal

**I'm BACK with my Breaking Dawn criticism. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters, but I do own the names Rolice, Tyke and Jessingela. Mine. And, I'm not Stephenie Meyer, because if I were, I would have made my greatest attempt at making Breaking Dawn rock, and not just stolen ideas from bad fanfics. (Generally known as Bad WTF: Bad Written Twilight Fanfiction.)**

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****PART 5 - THE LAMEST ATTEMPT EVER.**

In this scene, Stephenie Meyer tries to recover that lost spark that all fans could feel in Twilight between Edward and Bella. In the first book, the chemistry between them was too strong to bear, and everybody could just _feel_ how much Edward loved her. Now, when Jacob and Edward speak in the Cullen's front yard, the main image is Edward kneeling on the floor with his mouth open and an expression of "I've got a stick up my ass" on his face. This image is supposed to convey how much Edward still loves Bella and would kill himself if something happened to her.

Nice try, Meyer.

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****PART 6 – JACOB'S PROPOSAL.**

'Hey, Bella,' Jacob waved as he entered the Cullen's house. Bella's tummy was now a two-meter radius balloon, and the skin over her arms and legs and face seemed to be plastered against the bones. She looked like she had a severe case of Kwashiorkor.

'Jacob!' she beamed. 'Rose, pull me up.'

The blond vampire hurried to her house and helped her sit up straight.

'I'm so glad you're here, Jacob,' Bella said, smiling gently as he approached her. 'I didn't think you were coming back. Rose, give me a pillow.'

Rosalie handed Bella a big, pink pillow and made it comfortable for her.

'Bella, listen,' Jacob started awkwardly. He didn't know how to put his offer in words. 'I have something to tell you.'

'I'm listening,' Bella nodded, suddenly serious. 'Rose, bring me a cup of blood.'

As Rosalie obeyed, Jacob inhaled deeply. 'You see, Bella, I was talking to Edward right there…'

Rosalie came back with the blood, and Bella smelled it. She wrinkled her nose. 'This blood is A positive, Rose. I want 0 negative. Now, please.'

'… So you see, Bella, this… strange matter came up, and Edward asked himself… Is a baby what you really want? Because there are many babies out there…'

'But I want this baby,' said Bella, hugging her stomach.

'You can always go for adoption, you know. Like Angelina Jolie? Well, you can have dozens of Mozambique babies if you want.'

'But I don't want Mozambique babies,' Bella complained. 'I want Edward's baby. He's going to be so beautiful and I'm going to love him so much. Rose! Give me a foot massage, will you?'

'Bella, please,' Jacob pleaded with her. 'That thing's killing you. It's going to rip your stomach open to get out. You'll probably stain your shirt. And that shirt is so beautiful.'

'But _Jake_,' Bella sighed, 'He won't kill me! I'll live through this.'

'Edward says you can have any baby you want. You can even have… black haired children… like little puppies… _puppies_… get it? Puppies.'

Bella stared at him.

'Let's see,' Jacob cleared his throat. 'You know Blockbuster, don't you Bella?'

She nodded.

'You see… You can take a movie from there. And you… take it home. And some time later – sometime after a weekend – you return it. Am I making myself clear?'

'No,' Bella answered.

'Okay, how about this – let's imagine we have a banana and a donut. The banana is in love with the donut. The donut wants babies. But if he wants to have little banana-donut babies with the donut, the donut dies. So the banana asks the pickle to have little baby pickle-donut babies with his donut, and then the donut returns to the banana with the babies she wanted.'

'Oh my _gawd_, Jacob, do you want to have sex with me so that I'll get pregnant and have normal babies that are in no way a threat to my life? _Are you mad?!_'

'It was Edward's idea! I had nothing to do with this! In fact, I didn't want to do this! Not at all! He used me!'

'Jacob, I'm not a Blockbuster movie you can return after use!'

Jacob frowned. 'Are you non-renewable?'

'And talking of Blockbuster – Rose!' Bella called. 'Can you bring me _Mean Girls_? Oh, and some pizza. Smear some blood on it too. 0 negative. And don't forget you have to make me a foot massage when you get back.'

'Bella?' Edward asked entering the house. 'Darling. Are you alright?'

He glanced at Jacob.

'Sure, baby. I was just thinking about Isle Esme, feathers, and wild, wild fade outs. And baby names.'

'What have you been coming up with?' he asked, sitting by her side.

'Well, let's see. I love people. My friends and family specially. So look at this: if it's a boy, I'll name him Edwob, like Edward and Jacob together, or I can also call him Tyke, like Tyler and Mike, or Charlisle, like Charlie and Carlisle put together. If I can't decide on one, I'll give him the three of them. If it's a girl, I can call her Reneesme, like Renee and Esme, or also Rolice, like Rosalie and Alice in one, or I can also name her Jessingela, because of Jessica and Angela. Or maybe just _Mary Sue. _What do you think?'

Edward blinked.

'If that's what you want…'

'I do.'

'Fine then.'

That night, Bella dreamed of her children. First they were beautiful Edward replicas in nappies, but then they turned to bananas, donuts, and pickles. Just as she picked one of the banana babies from the floor, the scene changed – she was in a big, comfortable bed, and Edward was beneath her body… Her hands slid down his chest… And suddenly, a veil covered her vision.

'NO!'

That was when she woke up, screaming and covered in sweat.

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**I'm going to name my daughter Rosalice Laurentirina Victojames.**

**Oh, if you review, you'll get free virtual baby donutnanas!**

**Love, Me :3**

**PS: Review. You _know_ you want those donutnanas.**


	5. Female Stuff

**I'm sorry I took so long! I couldn't find my pendrive at all so I had no way to bring the chapters to this computer (I write in my laptop, which lacks internet.) So I had to steal my dad's pendrive :)**

**Anyway, thanks again to those who reviewed - I love your comments! - and I'm so, so sorry to tell you that next month, things will be a bit more difficult for me to write and upload, as stated in my profile. Oh, just like every January. I go on summer holidays a whole month but this one I'm taking my laptop with me! And if I find time I will write for you, my dears :)**

**Oh, and sorry for the shortness and crapness of this chapter, but I just _had_ to write something like this.**

***_hands our virtual donutnanas for reviewers_***

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PART 6 – FEMALE STUFF.

_Yo. How's Juno?_

_Somehow, that thing inside her broke one of her ribs again. And her pelvis. And her skull. But she says she's fine. They're giving her an X-ray in their secret lab. You know, where the Doc keeps all his machines and hospital beds and blood reservoirs and House MD seasons._

_Thanks for letting me stay, Jacob. I mean, I know I'm a pain in the ass and that all I'm good for in the novel is to give your part of the book something more than 'Look at the dying chick and grieve!', but anyway. So I'll start to talk to you as if I'm totally in love with you and hinting that we might become an item later in the plot. I want to stay with you._

_Whatever._

_You know, Jake? I totally get psycho blonde. I know how she feels. Being a genetic dead-end._

_Oh my god. Not the girl stuff again._

_I mean, look at me, Jake! I'm a woman, and a wolf. I have boobs. I have a vagina. And Sam didn't imprint on me. Why? Because I'm menopausal, Jacob. Blood doesn't run out of me anymore. And it never will._

_Er, Leah, I think you should –_

_I remember my first period. It was so disgusting. Like, I was sitting down on my bed and suddenly everything is red and then I knew. I had become a woman. Of course, it was difficult to deal with the pads at the beginning, but I couldn't very well use a tampon, I mean, I was eleven at the time. And then some nights I would wake up and my sheets would be all bloody and yucky. And now it's gone. I'm twenty years old and my period isn't coming anymore. Can you believe that? No wonder Sam wouldn't imprint on me. I can't have his wolf babies. I can't have any babies, because I've got a freaky vagina! Can you feel my pain, Jacob? Of course, there's the relief of not having to worry about unwanted pregnancy, and I can have sex without taking the pill or using condoms…  
_… _G-point, you see, cause Sam was great in bed. My point is, I miss feeling my uterus wall crumble apart and flowing gently into the toilet. You know how every time you pee, blood comes out? And now I'm like a sixty-year-old with no eggs. No babies. No Sam. So yeah, I would totally kill a defenseless girl for her baby. Wouldn't you? Jake?_

… _This might take decades of counseling. _

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**I absolutely promise that I will post next chapter tomorrow as soon as I can! (Next Chapter: _Imprinting Involves Pedophilia_.)**

**I hope you had a merry Christmas! I did. We almost set a tree on fire.**

**Much Love,**

**Me :3**

**PS: Sorry, no donutnanas for reviewers this time. We have pickle-donuts!**


	6. Imprinting Involves Pedophilia

**During this Author's Note, I would like to reply to Sara's review, which said:**

**_"ohh my gosh this chapter was really disgusting and i love braking dawn but i rad it because is funny but this...is...disgusting! and why would jacob wanted to hear that! and i dont like that you said bad things about books that other pepole love you should have more respect"_**

**Yeah, why would I say "bad things" about a book? That is simply unethical.  
Three words, Sarah: freedom of speech. I make fun of a book because I can. That's it. And I don't want to be rude, but you know where you can shove your respect. Besides, there's a warning in the summary AND in the first A/N which clearly says that this is a parody and that it is NOT recommended for people who lived BD. There's no need why you should come here and lecture me about respect. And it's spelled "breaking."**

**Anyway, Sarah, thanks for making my A/N more interesting! xoxo :)**

**To the rest of my reviewers, thanks for having no respect along with me :) Here's a pickle-nana for everyone! *hands out* Except for BGE, who requested a donut-nana instead. *hands out***

**I dedicate this chap to baby green eyes (BGE) and snevans78. Love you both bitches.**

**Happy New Year!**

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**PART 7 – IMPRINTING INVOLVES PEDOPHILIA.**

'Pity wock, Qwil! Pity wock!'

Jake got nearer to the place where the seventeen-year-old was playing with the little girl of black hair. They seemed to be having lots of fun; Quil's expression was radiant as he trotted from one place to the other with Claire on his shoulders.

'Hey, Jake,' Quil looked puzzled as he greeted him. 'Um, aren't you, like, on the other side of the treaty line guarding the vampires?'

'Yeah, but the author doesn't give a damn about the time line, so everything is quite weird, frankly. I mean, I'm here in La Push when Bella is giving birth in the next chapter.'

'Oh.'

'Qwil! Wock! WOCK!' the girlie shouted as she punched Quil with her fists.

'Sounds like someone hit the terrible twos,' Jacob said, nodding at the girl.

'Threes, actually. You missed the party. Princess theme. They made me wear pink eye-shadow, red lipstick, and a very beautiful Snowhite dress. And then Embry, who was the prince, had to wake me up with a kiss. To make it seem more real for Claire-bear, I even lingered on the kiss and smeared all Embry's mouth with red lipstick, she usually enjoys kisses. Anything for her entertainment.'

Jacob stared at him. 'Dude. That's… _sick_. I wonder why there are no fanfictions portraying you as gay.'

'I'll tell you why,' Quil whispered conspiratorially. 'Claire and I make such a great couple, that every fic in which there's me, there's her, no homosexuality. Great trick, imprinting, huh? So I'm saved from gay fics.'

_We'll see about that __now__,_ Jake thought as he suppressed an evil grin.

smiled.

'QWIL! WOOOOOOOCK!' Claire kept shouting.

'D'you ever think of dating someone, Quil? Like, having a relationship that does not involve pedophilia?'

Quil stopped trotting and stared at Jacob wide-eyed. 'Pedophilia? Jake, _that_ is sick! How could you ever imagine – Claire and I – I'm just – like a big brother for her and – and –'

Jacob frowned. 'So you don't masturbate?'

'_What?!_' Quil shouted.

'What's master-bait, Unca Jay?' Claire asked.

'Come _on_, Quil! You're a man!' Jake exclaimed, exasperated. 'You're going to pretend not to satisfy your sexual needs until Claire is old enough? Are you kidding me? Are you on abstinence or something?'

'I – no – of course I – I masturbate, but –' Quil stammered, but before he could finish, Jacob was firing again.

'So who do you think about when you do it?' he asked, raising an eyebrow.

'I – well – I – think – a girl –'

'Someone who is _not_ Claire? I don't think so. Imprinting is a serious thing.'

'I… Claire is – I think about –'

'Or _do_ you think about Claire when you masturbate? Cause that's pedophilia, my friend.'

'PITY WOCK! QWIL! PITY WOCK!'

'I don't – pedophile – of course not –'

'And if pedophilia is okay, then why is Bella's necromancy wrong?'

'PITY WOCK!'

'I – I –'

'So you _are_ thinking about Claire in _that_ way, and she's no older than three years old! You should be ashamed of yourself, you dirty molester –'

'PITY WOCK, YOU BITCH, PITY WOCK!'

'Oh, just SHUT THE FUCK UP AND IMPRINT ALREADY!' Quil yelled, grabbing Claire under her armpits and carrying her away.

'What's master-bait, Qwil?'

Jacob stared at the sea before him. _Shut the fuck up and imprint already_… Yes, that seemed like a good idea – but did he want to forget how he felt for Bella? He tried to remember Leah's words…

… _it's a relief I don't have to use tampons anymore, because sometimes I just couldn't get them out, you know –_

No, not those words.

… _that would go away, you know, if you imprinted._

Mm, did he rather hurt due to love like normal people, or lose his brain to some chick and have no mind of his own? Quil's words sounded loud in his head: _Anything for her entertainment_.

The answer was crystal clear. Have no mind, of course. Duh.

But he knew almost every girl in La Push and no one had been the object of his imprinting (aka, they were ugly bitches.) So he drove swiftly to Seattle and stopped right at the most crowded park he could see. First, he stared at the girls. Then, he stalked them. He followed them around for fifteen minutes, and then he changed onto another girl. Then, he grabbed them by their shoulders and stared straight to their faces, oblivious to their horrified expressions and occasional screams. He was growing desperate. He couldn't _imprint_.

God, he needed to! He needed a pretty girl who wasn't a moron, a lesbian, or both of them like Lindsay Lohan. So _where was his girl?!_

'You're too fat,' he said to a girl as she walked by. She looked offended. 'And you're too thin,' he said to another.

'You're blonde.'

'You're a fugly slut.'

'Your knee is weird.'

'You've got something in your teeth, you hor.'

'You think I'm a stalker. Well yes, I am.'

'I can see your nose hairs.'

'You don't wax your legs.'

'You're a lesbo.'

'I totally wanna do you because you're physically the hottest girl I've ever seen, and you look rather intelligent, but if I did, then I would ruin the rest of the pedophile plot. Wait – _Lindsay Lohan_?!'

He criticized and stalked and yelled for two hours, and at the end he was so desperate that he even began stealing babies from their cribs to imprint on them, or grabbing poodles and Yorkshires and changing to his wolf form to shag imprint on them.

Finally, he fell heavily on the middle of the street.

'WHY CAN'T YOU ALL BE LIKE PERFECT, GRACEFUL ISABELLA SWAN?'

'Yo, dude,' a totally random girl greeted him.

Jacob's head snapped up. She spoke _wolf_.

'Fuck off. I'm moaning.'

The girl smiled at him. 'You seem like you're sad. Is there any way I can help you?'

'GTFO, HOR. SUICIDAL THOUGHTS ARE MY OXYGEN NOW.'

'I'm Lizzie Mc- just Lizzie. God, amazing car. '

'I suddenly want to imprint on you.'

'Stolen, right?'

'And maybe not. Excuse me, I have to go check on my dying darling, who has rejected me twenty-three times now, is pregnant with another's baby, and makes my life a living hell, but on whom I'm still and stubbornly not giving up. Hasta la vista, bay-BITCH.'

And so Jacob drove to the Cullen's place once more. Edward immediately told him about their plans to deliver the baby as soon as Carlisle comes, but Bella's vagina apparently isn't able to hold on one more day, very conveniently for Mrs Meyer, because, otherwise, she would not die from giving birth to the baby, hence she wouldn't become a vampire, hence Edward would delay her transformation another couple of books, which would do us all a very, very grand favour.

And which would make Mrs Meyer even richer, if she had to write two more books.

…GOD, JUST BITE HER ALREADY!

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**This wasn't my best chapter, but at least it's something.**

**Love y'all. **

**Love, Me :3**

**PS: Review?**


	7. Renesmee Is Born

**I'm on holidays right now. I'm on my laptop. On the beach. You should all worship me for this.**

**This chapter is dedicated to Mandy (snevans78) because her birthday was just yesterday. Love you!**

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PART 8 – RENESMEE IS BORN.

Bella's scream pierced everyone's ears – sometimes, having a great auditory sense could give you a massive headache. Between Jacob and Edward, they were able to place screeching Bella on a specially prepared table.

'GET THE BABY OUT! KILL ME! KILL ME!'

'Jacob, give me the scalpel!' Edward ordered, and Jacob was about to obey when Rosalie pushed them out of the way.

'_Idiots!_ There's no time! The baby's dying! We must rip off Bella's stomach with our teeth!'

'No! It would kill Bella!' Jacob roared.

'Who cares about the freaking Bella?!'

'GET HIM OUT! HE'S DYING, FOR GOD'S SAKE! HANG ON, PRETTY BABY! HANG ON!'

It seemed like a bloody Niagara Fall was coming out of Bella's mouth, and in her stomach, defined bumps were pressing against her skin, trying to break free. With a loud crack, Bella's legs stopped moving, but Rosalie was already cutting through Bella's skin with her teeth – and the blood coming out turned her eyes black as night.

'NOOOOOOO!'

Very conveniently, Alice came out of nowhere and took Rosalie out as Edward struggled with the open cut.

'SHE'S BLEEDING, EDWARD! YOU CUT HER OPEN, AND SHE KEEPS, KEEPS BLEEDING!'

Another crack, and Bella's arms were suddenly hanging limp from the table.

'She broke her upper spine!' Edward roared.

'GET THE MONSTER OUT!' Jacob bellowed, while several cracks broke Bella's arms, neck, and opened her rib cage. 'OH MY GAWD, BELLA, DON'T WORRY, YOU'LL BE OKAY!'

Her eyes rolled back and her tongue came out of her mouth, as her body shook uncontrollably –

'She's having a seizure!' Edward shouted.

'Thank you, Dr House, would you like to hand in a report too? SHUT UP AND SAVE HER!'

And suddenly, Bella went absolutely limp, and a new fluttering sound could be heard – everything was calm.

'Edwob,' Edward said.

'Um, Edward…?' Bella's voice sounded from below. 'I don't think it's an Edwob… Why don't you check its… you know?'

'Oh,' Edward understood. 'Renesmee.'

Jacob scowled. 'Dude, that's _sick_.'

'Gimme pwetty baby,' Bella murmured, but her arms were dead. Edward showed it to her. 'You're so beautiful. I love you.'

And she died.

'NO, BELLA, STAY WITH ME! Okay, not with _me_, but you know what I mean – STAY ALIVE!'

'Take the baby, Jacob,' Edward urged him.

'Absolutely not! Then I would have to look at it, and something that is not supposed to happen yet would happen! It would totally ruin the end of the chapter!'

'Whatever.'

'GIVE ME THE BABY,' ordered Rosalie as she came back in, pure lust and desire in her eyes. 'Bella's dead, right? Oh, god, the tragedy! Now I will have to take care of the baby and claim it as my own! How sad. Toodles, corpse of Bella!'

Meanwhile, Edward had bitten Bella all over her body, while a venom-filled syringe stuck out of her chest.

'Go, Jacob. I'm on this.'

Jacob went down the stairs, cursing Renesmee, who was conveniently blocked out of sight by Rosalie. She had killed Bella. His only love. His everything. He knew this was unavoidable, but it still hurt to have seen his Bells, his honey, dying before him. At least it had been a peaceful, painless death.

He was prepared to strike the newborn when she peered at him over Rosalie's shoulder. And suddenly, Mrs Meyer inserted some bluff about balloons and steel cables just to say, 'Jacob imprinted.'

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**I'm gonna go have a walk with my boyfriend. Meanwhile, you review. :)**

**Love, Me :3**

**PS: Hey, really, if you can read ths and add to your faves, then it shouldn't be much to leave some words of encouragement. It really makes me happy.**


	8. I'm A Vampire Yay!

**Oh sorry for not uploading in a while but I can't find the time! I'm always strutting around the place so surfing the net becomes a little pretty difficult. I haven't written in a while and I'm running out of chapters so it will take another while to upload the next chapp.**

**Love you guys ;)**

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**PART 9 – I'M A VAMPIRE YAY.**

The fire in her veins suddenly ceased, and when Bella opened her eyes, everything was crystal clear. Only one thing crossed her mind:

_Now I can have better sex_.

She turned around, looking for Edward, and there he was, absolutely, tremendously beautiful. God, how she loved him.

'Bella?' Edward smiled, taking a step towards her, but Jasper jumped in between them.

'No, Edward! She's a newborn! She is a raging vampire with nothing but bloodlust in her mind and she's dangerous to everyone in this house, everyone in this town, _and everyone in the world!_'

They all stared at Bella. She stared back.

'Wassup.'

'Bella,' Edward smiled, and hurried to kiss her. This kiss was like none they had shared before – Edward's tongue explored Bella's mouth eagerly, and Bella's lips traced every shape of his lips – but Mrs Meyer thought this was a bit too much for the audience to know, so we are only going to say _'It was like he'd never kissed her – like this was their first kiss. And, in truth, he'd never kissed her that way before.'_

'Mirror, Bella!' Alice jumped up and down excitedly, taking out a mirror from nowhere – probably her pocket. Bella assessed herself.

She was _hawt_.

'I'm so beautiful I just love myself. So what's next?' she asked happily.

'Watch out everyone!' Jasper shouted. 'This might be a newborn trick to kill us all! All she is thinking right now is murder and revenge and killing her competition for food!'

'Are you sure, Jazzie?' Esme asked.

'Of course! Look at that face! She is analyzing the best way to break our bonds!'

'Jazzie Clutzie, I think you should back off with the accusations for a minute,' Alice whispered.

'Let's go hunting!' Edward suggested.

'But where's Renesmee?' Bella asked, suddenly worried.

'With Jacob.'

'But what -?'

'No time to lose!'

'But I want sex!' Bella complained.

'Everything at its time, sweetheart.'

Together, they jumped out of the window, and, most obviously, Bella's jump was absolutely perfect. She was graceful. She was marvelous. She was Mary Sue. But before she could enjoy her new teeth, Edward stopped her in the middle of the forest.

'Now, Bella, you're going to learn how to hunt, because no matter how Mary Sue you are, you're mentally quite a dummy. So now, close your eyes.'

Bella did as told.

'Listen to my voice.'

Mmm. Beautiful velvet voice.

'Now crouch.'

Ooh, this was getting interesting.

'Let the scents of the forest get into your nose.'

_Let's see_… Bella thought, inhaling the air around her. _Honey perfume – that's Edward. Cheese…? Oh, Emmett's feet. God, their smell is carried all this way? Oh, what's that? Oh, squirrel. Bleh, too small and non-exciting for my first trip. OH, ELK!_

Her instincts guided her – but suddenly, a strong scent lured her the other way, a beautiful, delicious smell –

_Woot! Tourists!_ She thought happily, and as she changed direction, a presence behind her made her spin around and she threw himself onto her competitor. She shook him hard and snarled and showed her teeth until she realized who he was.

'Fuck, Edward, you scared me!' she shrieked.

'I – I just –' He looked shocked. 'Um, you f-forgot y-your napkins,' he stammered, handing her a neat pile of white napkins.

'Thanks, Eddy-poo, but if I don't get out of here, I might, you know, bite someone?' Bella gestured to the unsuspecting tourists. 'Let's hit the road.'

Edward, now even more shocked, followed her as they ran back home. 'WTF, Bella?'

She shrugged. 'Dude, I was gonna _kill_ them. What if those were my friends? Angela, or Charlie, or Jessica, or Mike, or Lauren – wait… Lauren? I'll be right back!'

Edward caught her arm. 'Bella, you're too Mary Sue for this story. You need to do something really fucked up.'

'Okay, I'll just go eat something,' Bella rolled her eyes, and in a moment she was attacking a mountain lion and sucking out its blood. Wow, this was just like Dracula. When she was finished, she looked up at Edward, who was rolling the body of his dead sucked up elephant to the side. He looked so beautiful. She looked down at herself and stared at her bloody dress, torn and dirty, and her face smeared with blood.

'Bells, honey, you could have used a knife and spoon,' he said softly, showing her his own.

Bella frowned. 'Whatever. Forest sex!'

*_THE EVIL VEIL IS BACK.*_

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**Okay. What's up with the "Jazz" thing, Meyer? You've turned Breaking Dawn in the worst fanfiction ever.**

**Thank God there are brained people willing to make the world a little better.**

**Looove, Me :3**

**PS: Please review? The more reviews, the faster the upload. No kidding.**


	9. What Can Be More Screwed Up Than This?

**Let's see. This have probably been the best holidays in my life ever, which means, I didn't update quickly enough. I apologize with my heart. I did try to write whenever I found some free time, but to top it all, I have been suffering from a pestering disease commonly known as 'Writer's Block.' Writers, you feel my pain. Only yesterday I was FINALLY able to recover from it 80% (Hey, it's something!) and now with luck I'll be able to finish next chapter for Sunday or Monday.**

**I also have to apologize for an error in the numbering of chapters. Last chapter was Nº10, not 9. So now, it is corrected.**

**Thank you for your patience, and once again, I'm really sorry.**

**Love you all and hope you still review!**

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**PART 11 - WHAT CAN BE MORE SCREWED UP THAN THIS?**

'Yo, everyone,' Bella greeted as she came back to the house with Edward.'

'EVERYONE STAND BACK!' Jasper shouted. 'SHE IS CRAZY AND BLOOD-FRENZY!'

'STFU Jasper,' Edward shoved him aside. 'Let her see the baby.'

Rosalie, in the far end of the hall, stood beside Jacob, and all about her body movements and her expression screamed MINE as she held on to the beautiful baby. Beautiful, bronze-haired, and with gorgeous chocolate eyes.

'Baby!' Bella called happily giving a step forward, and suddenly everyone was hiding Renesmee from her view, and Jasper and Emmett were over her while Jasper screamed, 'HIDE THE BABY! HIDE, EVERYONE! SHE WANTS TO KILL US ALL! SHE WANTS TO KILL HER OWN DAUGHTER! CRRRRRAZY!'

But Edward was already kicking his brothers off Bella, and everyone stared at them both.

'It's okay, she can resist,' he explained his family and Jacob, and they all glanced at each other warily. 'Really, people. Mrs Meyer made her Mary Sue.'

Sighs of relief filled the room, and Bella approached Rosalie.

'Can I hold her?' she asked.

Rosalie glared and then extended her arms and held out Renesmee. Joyfully, Bella grabbed her and tried to hug her, but Rosalie's grip was still there.

'Rose,' Edward warned her.

After a long and furious hiss, she let the baby go, and Bella held her daughter between her arms. She was beautiful. So beautiful. Extremely beautiful. But she looked kind of… old?

'How long have I been burning up?' Bella asked.

'Three days.'

'WTF?' Bella stared at her daughter. 'But she's so OLD!'

'Greetings, mother,' Renesmee's voice suddenly surprised her. 'I am so pleased to meet you, finally. I have been looking forward to this moment ever since you birthed me. I know this must be a very emotional moment for you, but I have a backgammon game at three o' clock sharp with Jacob. Would you mind?'

Bella stared at Edward. 'Yes, well,' he said uncomfortably, 'she seems to be growing up quite quickly.'

'Okay, Bella, give me my baby,' Jacob said as he took Renesmee from her mother's arms.

'She's my freaking daughter! Give her back!' Bella shrieked.

'I don't care who the fuck you are, you hor, you don't touch her anymore!'

'Shut the fuck up, Jacob, I birthed her! What's wrong with you?'

Jacob suddenly widened his eyes and handed the baby over to Rosalie again. 'Well, you see, Bella…'

Bella stared at him, narrowing her eyes.

'I kind of… Well, while you were dying up there and becoming a Mary Sue, your little, um, Mary Sue Junior kind of, had an impact in me… Get it? I kind of have this weird pedophile love for her.'

'_You imprinted on my daughter?!_' Bella exploded, screaming at the top of her lungs.

'Seeing as you're her mother and all, you can spend some time with her too, if you want too!'

'WTF, JACOB,' Bella yelled, 'YOU IMPRINTED ON MY DAUGHTER?'

'Um, that seems to be the case.'

All the Cullens turned to stare at Jasper, worried. He shrugged. 'What? She's fine.'

'THIS IS _SICK_, JACOB! YOU KISSED ME!'

'I, er, can tell it's kind of weird, but –

'YOU WANTED TO BE MY HUSBAND! YOU WANTED TO HAVE MY BABIES! YOU SNOGGED ME! YOU FANTASIZED ABOUT HAVING SEX WITH ME! YOU MASTURBATED THINKING ON ME! AND NOW YOU'RE ONTO MY DAUGHTER?! I'LL RIP YOUR THROAT, YOU BITCH!'

And so she did.

If it hadn't been for awesome Seth.

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**If my mind does not fool me, you will find a very explicit suggestion of Jacob admitting his fantazising about Bella and him doing naughty, naughty things. Grab your BDs and go to the part in which Edward tells Jacob he can 'rent' Bella for the weekend, and read thoroughly.**

**Disturbing. Very... disturbing.**

**Reviewing time! :D**

**Love, Me :3**

**PS: Seth pwns.**


	10. OH, Hello, Dad

****

Sorry for the delay! It's not one of my best, but it was a difficult chapter. I'm just coming out of a Writer's Block, you know.

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PART 12 – OH, HELLO, DAD.

'So, all in all, I kind of fursploded in front of your daddy. But don't worry, everything's just fine. He just nearly shot me with his jumbo gun. And oh, he's coming here to nearly shoot you, too.'

Everybody stared at Jacob for a moment, and then Bella lunged for him, because not even Mrs Meyer can stop Bella from being a real vampire, and not a fanged Mary Sue. But when the fight ceased, nobody was sure of how to handle the situation, except absolutely awesome Alice.

'Okay, Bella,' she said, walking over to her new sister. 'Put these contacts on.'

Bella stared at her. 'But… won't Charlie notice that my eyes are not as brown as they should? That I'm absolutely super hot? That suddenly I'm beautifully pale and I've got a child with my exact eyes and is exactly like Edward in female form?'

Alice shrugged. 'Pssht. Impossible. Now, you'll have to change the contacts in an hour or so – otherwise, the venom in your eyes will melt it.'

Bella stared at her. 'We have venom in our eyes?'

'Duh, Bella,' Rosalie rolled her eyes. 'We're _perfect_, remember?'

'But in our _eyes_?' she asked again, incredulous.

'DEATH GLARE!' screamed Emmett shaking his face and letting his tongue roll out. Alice shrieked and covered her face.

'Bad boy, Emmett,' Esme scolded him, hugging a whimpering Alice round her shoulders.

'And what will we tell Charlie of Renesmee?' Bella asked, turning to Edward.

'Don't worry, sweetheart, I've got everything covered,' he answered, winking at her.

Bella twisted her mouth. Should she trust him…? Yes, most definitely. After all, when had Edward failed her? She laughed at her own stupidity.

_She left you pregnant with a mutant baby._

Okay… but it was a beautiful baby! Plus, she now had an excuse to play with Barbies once again after her terribly ruined childhood!

With their supersonic auditory senses, they could all hear Charlie's car even from a mile away. Alice turned to her not-mother.

'Okay, Esme, your turn. Teach Bella how to act human.'

Esme nodded solemnly. 'The trick, Bella, lies in sitting down when a human does.'

'Blink three times a minute,' Emmett added.

'Brush your hair,' Rosalie helped.

'Cross your legs,' Jasper said.

'Pretend to breathe,' Edward told her.

'Scratch your right leg,' Rosalie said.

'Move your toes.'

'Eat some boogies.'

'Lick your elbow.'

'Stare at your own nose.'

'Scratch your ass.'

'Don't eat Charlie.'

'Tiny human movements,' Esme nodded. 'If you can handle all of it, you'll succeed in looking perfectly normal.'

Suddenly, Jacob whispered in a hurry, 'Shut it, everyone, Charlie's here!'

And indeed, Bella's very human father was knocking the door so vehemently that Carlisle had to rush and open it before he knocked it down.

'Hello, Carlisle,' Charlie greeted stiffly. 'I thought you guys were in Atlanta?'

'Yes… well…' Carlisle smiled. 'We came back. Because… Bella passed from being almost-dead to extremely healthy and super hot overnight. And we didn't call you because… it was three in the afternoon. Maybe… you were having a nap. Like babies. Yes. And speaking of babies, Bella -'

'NO! NO!' Edward mouthed from behind, waving his arms madly.

'Erm, Bella…' Carlisle hesitated, looking desperate. 'She… wants a little brother.'

'WHAT?' Charlie exclaimed in surprise.

'No! No! Don't worry,' Carlisle soothed him. 'She says she'll wait until you find a very respectable woman. You have time. No pressure.'

'Where's Bella?' Charlie asked, and he pushed Carlisle aside to step into the house.

'Howdy, Daddy,' Bella smiled uncomfortably from the couch. She took a deep breath – and Charlie's scent invaded her nose, her mind, and her throat was burning, because Charlie's scent was intoxicating, delicious, extremely irresistible, tempting to such a point that it was almost too incestuous. Because of this, Mrs Meyer makes Bella to stop breathing, since she decides that necromancy and pedophilia are enough for a series without adding incest as well.

She stared at his expression as her father took in this new woman who was his daughter, and the feelings reflected in his face.

Shock. Disbelief. Pain. Loss. Fear. Anger. Suspicion. Relief. Happiness. Uncertainty. Doubt. Curiosity. Arousal. More pain.

'Need to know, Charlie,' Jacob whispered in his ear.

Charlie nodded and turned to Edward. 'I want the truth.'

'_Need to know_,' Jacob whispered more eagerly.

'Oh, right,' Charlie frowned. 'So, then… I want… the half-truth. How are you, Bella?'

Bella opened her mouth to answer, but was interrupted by Jacob. 'No, Charlie, need to know.'

Charlie looked dumbfounded. 'So... er... are those new curtains?'

'_No, need to know!_'

'But I need to know _something_! Plus, those curtains look lovely!'

'I'm protecting you from what you _don't_ want to know, remember?' Jacob said, shrugging.

'Okay, okay!' Charlie shushed him. 'Who's that midget?' he asked, pointing at Renesmee.

'Good evening, Charles,' said Renesmee, bowing her head. 'I am most delighted to be finally meeting you, but you should know that I left my analysis of the Da Vinci Code just to be here.'

'She's our adopted niece,' Edward told him, caressing Renesmee's head. 'The courts located me when my long-lost brother and his wife died in a car accident, making her an orphan.'

Charlie glared at him. 'I'M DONE WITH THE LIES, YOU BITCH.'

'Fine,' Edward rolled his eyes. 'Her parents were eaten by the Loch Ness Monster.'

'Oh my _God_, that's terrible!' Charlie wailed. He stared at Renesmee. 'She's so beautiful! And look, Bella, she has Edward's hair! And his nose! And your eyes! And my curls! Wait-'

'Need to know, Charlie.'

'Right…' he stared back at Bella. 'You're… different. Your eyes are different. You're pale. You're hot. You're hard. You're hot. You don't seem human. Something is _very_, _very _wrong.'

'SCORE! Go Riders!' Emmett exclaimed from the other side of the couch.

'But who cares anyway! _GO RIDERS_!'

'_ABOUT TIME SOMEBODY SCORED IN HERE_,' Emmett shouted loudly, wagging his eyebrows.

Bella frowned at her father. 'What? That's it? You're not gonna ask anything?'

Charlie's expression was blank. 'No.'

'No asking why I'm so sexy and sensual?'

'… No.'

'Or why this girl here looks like my daughter?'

'… No.'

'Or why, if she _is_ my daughter, she looks like a two-year-old?'

'… No.'

'But _why_?' Bella shrieked desperately. 'It doesn't make any _sense_!'

'Duh, Bella,' Charlie shrugged. 'If I _made_ more sense and actually seemed perturbed by all of this and asked for explanations, Mrs Meyer would have to write another hundred pages, and, seriously, who wants to read a hundred more pages of this crap?'

'Whatever. Can we get you anything to eat, dad?'

'Yeah, Edward,' Emmett said at the top of his voice, 'why don't you go and BUTTER her some MUFFINS?'

He winked several times with his mouth hanging open in a smile at the newlyweds. Bella glared murderously at him.

'No, thanks, Bella,' Charlie said indifferently, staring at the TV. 'I just had a hot dog.'

'I know about SOMEBODY who had hot dogs for dinner too!' Emmett exclaimed.

'I'll be going now, honey,' Charlie stood up and kissed Renesmee's forehead before walking to the door. 'Have a good night, Bells.'

'Oh, don't worry, Charlie, she'll certainly have a VERY good night!'

As soon as the door closed behind her father, Bella turned to Emmett.

'I shall have my revenge,' she muttered between gritted teeth.

Emmett smirked. '_I'll be waiting._'

'But the sun's going down, so right now sex is my top priority. Toodles, Cullens!'

And so, Bella and Edward spent their night having sex on the floor, three steps away from a very comfortable bed, because a hundred and six years of abstinence are not something to ignored – because while you _do_ ignore them, three fantastic books are created, but when unleashed…

Literature is _doomed_.

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**It will take some days to write the next chapter. I'd tell you why, but... need to know.**

**Love, Me :3**

**PS: And for those of you who don't review...**

***_DEATH GLARE!_***


	11. Hint Of An Epic Showdown?

**Finally, _finally_, I found my inspiration last night and was able to write this chapter. It's more of a presentation of facts so the story can go on fluently... so there you go.**

**Oh, and before I forget, here's a donutnana baby for Jasmin Wicketson... *_hands over_* Threats do tend to work on me.  
And I'm flattered by jasperinmyroom's proposal for marriage. I'd love to, but I'm already engaged. Maybe next time.**

**(Really, my reviewers are the best ever.)**

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**CHAPTER 13 – HINT OF AN EPIC SHOWDOWN?**

Vampire life was absolutely wonderful for Bella. After being a downright moron in the human world – not that _that_ ever faded away after her transformation – she needed to balance it in her next form of life. Everything was just perfect – her new senses, her new family, her new daughter and, most importantly, her new sex. But Renesmee Carlie Cullen, the girl whose name could become a tongue-tier, was growing up like Jack's beanstalk, because everything was just too perfect and a problem was needed to keep the fans who hadn't already thrown their books aside going on. At the age of seven days and a half, Nessie could already perform The Phantom Of The Opera, in the role of both Christine and the Phantom, singing in a very high pitched soprano that was, most obviously, sickeningly beautiful, and only two days later she had learnt how to tame a wild horse while dancing the polka.

Disturbing. Very… disturbing.

This was, basically, life for a few months, until an even more disturbing note reached the Cullen's doorstep.

_WE'RE COMING.  
GET THE TACOS AND BITCHES READY.  
XOXO_

Bella turned to her husband in fright. Only one person could have sent this – along with a horrible piece of jewelry which was supposed to be pretty, but was not – and this person couldn't be taken lightly.

_The Mafia._ Er… Volturi. Bella's worst nightmare – because, since Victoria was now (unfortunately) dead, this clear utopia needed to be fucked up a little. Of course, after receiving the note, arguing became a habit hard to break, and Bella was proving difficult.

'I'm going to Italy,' she told her husband determinedly.

'No.'

'Dammit.'

They all knew this was absolutely illogical. Aro needed to see Bella to acknowledge her being a vampire, and if someone else but Bella went, Aro would use his I-touch-your-hand-and-read-your-thoughts-with-my-super-vampire-mental-power, hence discovering Renesmee – and no one knew how the Volturi would react towards her. I daresay it was too difficult for the Cullens to take a picture of Bella sucking the life out of a trekker and send it to Italy. But who knew? Probably Aro would think Carlisle was a Photoshop CS4 expert taken right out of LiveJournal. (Actual answers from Mrs Meyer regarding this question may vary slightly.)

Meanwhile, Alice's visions were conveniently not working, so that she could see everything – from Obama's murder by a renegade Ku Klux Klan member, to a caterpillar taking over the ant-world and becoming 'Queen Slug' – but nothing about sexy Italian vampires. Therefore, Bella decided to take a little trip to Italy and, later, Brazil, to persecute old urban legends from uneducated Portuguese maids.

'I'm going with you guys,' Jacob said one afternoon in the forest as Renesmee built a World Trade Center out of snowflakes. 'I can't leave my beloved mutant by herself.'

'She'll be with _me_!' Bella shrieked. 'I'm her mother!'

'Oh, because you _certainly_ can take care of yourself, Bella!' Jacob rolled his eyes. 'Let me see… the first time you got here, a van nearly made you smashed pretzel. Then, some gang nearly raped you and left your body floating in the river. After _that_, a vicious vampire tried to kill you, nearly succeeding. Later, Edward left you and you got lost in the woods, nearly being killed by some wild animal. You then bought a motorbike, nearly getting yourself killed once again while driving it and crashing into a rock, and soon after, you jumped off a cliff, where you would have either drowned or been killed by a scuba-diving Victoria if it hadn't been for me. Afterwards, some vicious vampires cornered you in Italy, and you nearly became their afternoon snack. Almost a year later, a vampire _army_ tracked you down and nearly destroyed all mythical creatures from this place because of you, and shortly after you had sex with your husband and used _no condoms_, resulting in your teenage pregnancy, imminent death and transformation. Yes, Bella, I can see how you would be able to keep Renesmee safe.'

Bella glared at him murderously, but Jacob rolled his eyes.

'I bet that when Edward tells you you're unique, he's implying you're a unique retard. So I'll stick around Ness if you don't mind. Maybe if you go alone to South America, a giant marshmallow might decapitate you all or souls from outer space might take over your body, who knows?'

'Excuse me, Jacob,' Renesmee's voice sounded from below. 'My blood system requires hydration. May you accompany me in my quest for a carnivorous animal which I can ingest? I'm afraid of the dark.'

As Jacob and her daughter departed happily into the woods, Bella sighed and gazed at the trees around her. It was then when she saw her – a beautiful vampire staring at her from afar, who was, most clearly, Irina.

'Hey, there!' Bella shouted excitedly, waving her hand. 'I'm Bella! You must be Irina! It's so nice to finally meet you. I'm sorry about your dead mate, but you know, these things _do_ happen every once in a while. No bad feelings, then? Alright! I already see us becoming _great_ friends!'

But Irina's eyes had turned to Renesmee, who was riding a bull and cracking its neck with her little bare hands so she could drink its blood easily. Bella didn't need Edward to realize what Irina was thinking.

_Ohmigod._

It happened in only a few seconds – Irina growled at Bella and speeded away from her, and Bella ran to Edward and Carlisle and filled them in with what had just happened.

'Darling, I don't want to sound rude,' Edward said, taking her wife's hand. 'But you're a fucking idiot.'

'I don't get this,' Bella said sadly. 'I was just being friendly!'

'Bella, can you recall my story about the Denali sisters?' Carlisle asked her. 'Where everyone was making dead vampire children so Denali Mum joined the bad-ass club and made one of her own, getting herself murdered by Caius?'

'Oh, yeah.'

'Do you know what's the moral of this story, Bella?'

Bella bit her lip. 'Um…'

'Never try to be a bad-ass mother fucker when you just know you're not. You'll end up being dismembered by vicious Italians.'

'I'll try to remember that,' Bella muttered.

Just then, a crash sounded from the other side of the room, and everybody spun around to see the crashed vase Alice had – accidentally – let fall. There was silence in the room for a moment.

'Oh my _God_, Alice!' Esme exclaimed.

'You… dropped the vase,' Rosalie whispered, her expression horrified.

'Unbe_lie_vable,' Carlisle said.

'This is blasphemy!' Emmett shouted, pointing at Alice with his finger.

'OMGWTFLOLZ,' Jasper chatspeaked.

Alice stared back at everyone. 'They're… _coming_,' she murmured ominously.

Emmett rolled his eyes. 'Well, thanks for the tip, smarty pants, but you _might_ have noticed that we got a postal card from Aro last week _and_ we haven't even bought the tacos yet.'

'No, no!' Alice exclaimed, shaking her head. 'I mean, they're _all_ coming! _All! ALL!_'

'Even the wives?' Jasper asked. 'But… I thought they were their confined sex slaves. And that Aro was totally into Jane. Alice, _you have screwed us so many fanfictions_.'

'They're coming for Nessie!' Alice shouted, and now everyone panicked.

'THE BABY!' Bella and Jacob shrieked.

'Quick, we must hide her!' Jasper exclaimed, grabbing a sleeping Renesmee from the couch and wrapping her in a blanket.

'In the kitchen!' Emmett said, taking the girl and hiding her inside a cupboard. 'Now we can just pretend she's Harry Potter! Carlisle, you'll be Vernon, and Alice will be Petunia.'

'But who'll be _Dudley_?' Rosalie asked, alarmed.

'AAAH I DON'T KNOW!' Emmett screamed. 'TOO MUCH PRESSURE!'

'I CAN'T HANDLE THIS ANYMORE!' Jasper shouted, banging his head against a wall.

'_STOP!_' Edward commanded in a booming voice.

The house fell silent.

'Thank you. I know what we'll do. I have the perfect answer. No Harry Potter, no Vernon, no Petunia, no Dudley.'

'Aww,' Alice pouted.

'Instead,' Edward continued, 'we'll call our friends. _All_ our friends. They will witness Renesmee's growth, and then they can show Aro how she is _not_ an immortal child. And then we'll throw a costume party and _they'll leave_.'

'Costume party!' Alice shrieked joyfully.

'Wait. Wait.' Emmett had a confused expression etched on his face, and all vampires turned to him. 'Wasn't this my idea in the book? Like, wasn't this let's-get-witnesses idea actually _mine_?'

'Well…' Esme pressed her lips together. 'We all know you're not so smart, dear. Mrs Meyer made a mistake there. Perhaps she wanted to type 'Edward' and typed 'Emmett' instead. Let the FanFiction Authors deal with it now.' She smiled brightly at her not-son.

'What else can you see, Alice?' Edward asked his sister, but she stopped her visions as soon as he asked.

'Nothing,' she said simply.

'But I saw something in your mind. A jungle. What -?'

'I'm too confused, Edward, drop it. I can't see.'

'But you were seeing right now!'

'STFU, EDWARD. Jasper, can you help me see? Outside? Far away from… here?'

Jasper frowned. 'But here's fine.'

'No,' Alice said between gritted teeth. 'It's not fine. Come outside with me.'

'But I don't get it.'

'_FOR FUCK'S SAKE, JASPER WHITLOCK, COME OUTSIDE!_'

As soon as the door closed behind the couple, Emmett faced the rest of his family. 'Is it just me, or Alice is like, a bit hyper and conspiratorially weird?'

Bella shrugged.

'I didn't notice.'

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**Really, Bella, you can't even take care of your goldfish.**

**Reviewing time! :D**

**Lots of love, Me :3**


	12. Plagiarism All The Way

**I didn't sleep last night because of this chapter, so, most obviously, it turned out pretty much crappy. Basically, it's more of a stating of facts and exaggeration of both characters and fans of the series, more than a funny chapter. But I sacrifice my health for it. It'd better have many, many reviews. **

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**CHAPTER 14 – PLAGIARISM ALL THE WAY.**

'It's been a long time since she left. Where is she anyway?'

Everybody looked uncomfortable with the question. Edward scowled. 'I can't tell.'

Rosalie rolled her eyes. 'She's probably having wild sex in the forest with Jasper and thrashing all the trees around.'

'Of course not. We're all going to be dead and buried in a month's time. Do you think Alice could be making… _love_ with Jasper in the forest in times like these?' Esme frowned.

Emmett looked surprised. 'Are you kidding me? That's the first thing I would do.'

'We have to go looking for her,' Bella said, and all of them departed towards the woods. Alice's scent, mixed with Jasper's, led them a long way towards La Push, and Bella was obviously the fastest of them all but Edward and Carlisle. Anything else you wanna do to show off, Bella?

What they weren't expecting was Sam waiting for them over the other side of the border line. 'She's gone,' he said harshly, staring at the vampires. 'She's gone and she's left you all because she knows you're all doomed. She's gone to hide and start a new and happy life, and she's gone and left you all to _rot in hell_.'

'Thanks, dude.'

Carlisle grabbed Alice's note, which Sam was brandishing in his hand, and read it aloud.

_UR SO DEAD ROFLMAO_

'What _does_ that mean?' Esme asked, staring questioningly at her family.

'Maybe it's a secret code,' Rosalie suggested.

'Raviolis On Fairyland Like Multiple Ass Orgies?' Emmett tried.

'Retard Organization For Loveable Mini Asparagus Oxymoron?' Carlisle said, raising his eyebrows.

'Roll On Floor Laughing My Ass Off?' Bella asked.

Emmett narrowed his eyes. 'Dude. That doesn't even make sense.'

'It's the raviolis,' Edward nodded.

'Your way of living is despicable,' Sam said with a scowl on his face. 'You run away from your families? That's _sick_.'

'_We_ each still have our free will,' Edward snapped.

'OH, BUUUUUUURN,' Jacob exclaimed, his eyes flickering from Sam to Edward.

Sam glowered at his opponent. '_We_ don't run away.'

'_We_ can do whatever we please.'

'_We_ don't kill.'

'_We_ don't lose control.'

'_We_ don't kill local fauna and unbalance a whole ecosystem.'

'_We_ don't fall in love with babies.'

'_We_ do not practice necrophilia.'

'_We_ are not pedophiles.'

'Yeah, and _we_ are getting a little tired of this little argument so why can't _we_ shut the fuck up a little so _we_ can find a solution to this problem while you stick the _we_ up your asses?' Jacob said in a mocking, high pitched voice.

'We must split up. Rosalie and Emmett, Edward and Bella, and Esme with me. Let's go,' Carlisle ordered, and they were all off. Edward and Bella headed over for the house with Jacob at their heels, and soon enough, Renesmee was between her mother's arms, staring restlessly at the door.

'Goodness sake, Mother,' she said in a terrified whisper. 'They are going to hate me all so much. I shall be the most hated person in the world.'

'Pssh, impossible,' Jacob scoffed. 'Ness, _believe me_, no one can hate you more than the millions of fangirls who hate Bella for having had Edward's baby. Not even close; they already hate her for shagging him.'

'Jacob, Bella, get ready,' Edward commanded as he strode into the house with a stern look on his face. 'The Denalis are coming. Rose, Emmett, how's it going with the raviolis?'

'I don't know!' Rosalie exclaimed with an expression of desperation and confusion, while poking a pot with a spoon. 'They look kind of sticky!'

'Maybe _those_ are the orgies,' Emmett mused.

The sound of a vehicle in the front garden froze them all in the spot. Bella stared at Edward, horrified, and he gestured her to hide. She hurried to the kitchen alongside Jacob, and closed the door so they were alone with Emmett and Rosalie.

There was a soft knock on the door, and Edward opened it cautiously.

'OMG EDWARD!' Tanya exclaimed excitedly and threw her arms around the bronze haired vampire. 'Long time no see! God, you're looking _wonderful_. Makes me hungry. Rawr. So where's your lame wife?'

'Tanya, Eleazar, Carmen, Kate,' Edward named then, and then breathed in deeply. 'I have something to tell you.'

'You're gay,' Kate said.

'I _knew_ it,' Tanya whispered. 'It just couldn't be possible that you never felt attracted to me. Good guys are always gay.'

'No, no, it's not that!' Edward exclaimed, shaking his hands.

'Edward, the first step is to admit it,' Carmen smiled. 'I know it's hard. I'm sure Bella would understand.'

_No I wouldn't_, Bella thought sourly from the other side.

'Please listen to this,' Edward pleaded quietly. 'I'm going to show you something which you might not like.'

The Denalis widened their eyes with horror. 'Edward, I don't really think we want to see a demonstration of… _that_,' Tanya said, fighting her disgust.

'You _are_ using condoms, right, Edward?' Carmen asked him. 'Homosexual relationships tend to carry these awful diseases.'

'He'd have them all, then,' Emmett muttered under his breath in the kitchen.

'Listen to me, _all of you_,' Edward said clearly to the guests. 'I am _not_ gay. I know I've been pretty lonely for a hundred and four years, surrounded by quite a few number of males… But I'm perfectly straight and I'm completely in love with my wife. Are we clear?'

The Denalis fidgeted uncomfortably.

Edward seemed pleased. 'Good.'

Kate and Tanya exchanged surprised glances, while Eleazar shrugged.

'And the fact that I like crochet doesn't mean _anything_, either,' Edward added for good measure. 'Now, what I am about to tell you, and which does _not_ concern my sexual tendencies, is a matter of life and death for my family. Please concentrate on the sounds you can hear, especially those coming from the kitchen. What can you hear?'

'There's a heart beat, definitely,' Tanya nodded. 'And werewolf smell. That must be your Lassie pal.'

'There's something else, though,' Kate continued, narrowing her eyes in suspicion. 'A kind of thrumming… Rythmic…'

Then her eyes widened in surprise. 'Are Emmett and Rosalie _in there_?' she asked.

'God, they're fast!' Carmen nearly smiled, awed.

'_Dude_,' Tanya whispered. 'I haven't had that kind of sex in _centuries_!'

'_What?!_' Edward exclaimed, outraged.

Eleazar beamed. 'Ah, I remember a little friend I used to have before I met Carmen. She was a quick one, that girl. She could make you come in only –'

'OKAY, OKAY,' the rest of the room shouted, absolutely disgusted.

'No need for that, thanks!' Tanya said, waving her hand.

'The sound you can hear,' Edward went on loudly, trying to ignore the recent comments, 'is, in fact, a heartbeat, as I'm _sure_ you'll all have figured out by now.' He glared at the vampires. 'And now, remember what you're hearing. This heartbeat belongs to a little someone I shall present to you. _But_, keep in mind that this 'she' is unique. You have _never_ met anyone like her. You have _never_ seen anything like her. She is a _unique_ creature. One and only. _Never ever_ been anyone like her before. Her kind consists in _her only_. No trouble with the Volturi before, _because there has never existed a creature like her_. Got it?'

Tanya scoffed in exasperation. '_Yes_, Edward, never ever seen, now _shut the fuck up_.'

'Bella,' Edward called, turning to the kitchen. 'Bring the mutant, non-Child-Of-The-Moon baby.'

Bella took a deep breath, and Jacob opened the doors for her. She held Renesmee high in an imitation of the Lion King.

'EDWARD! NO!' Tanya screamed and pressed herself against the back wall.

'HOW COULD YOU?!' Kate bellowed, hiding behind the piano while Carmen hissed madly.

'Quick! We must destroy her before Aro finds out!' Tanya commanded.

'TO THE FIRES OF MORDOR!' Eleazar yelled madly, pointing with his finger to the horizon.

'No, wait! You got it all wrong!' Bella tried to shout, but Eleazar had already taken out his Blackberry.

'Let me just text-message Gollum,' he was telling his wife frantically.

'Honey, Gollum's gone to Tahiti!' Carmen exclaimed, and Tanya suppressed a squeal of fright.

'WHAT WILL WE DO?!' Kate screamed, covering her face with her hands.

'_SHUT UP._'

Jacob's voice echoed all around the walls in the house, and his Alpha power was strongly evident, yet lacking commandment over vampires.

'_Seriously_,' he whispered, shaking his head.

'I've just _told_ you that Renesmee is nothing like the Children of the Moon!' Edward shouted angrily.

'Then what the fuck is she?' Kate demanded, furious.

'My _biological_, _very_ accidental daughter.'

The Denalis exchanged looks of surprise and incredulity.

'I'm serious!' Edward exclaimed, disappointed at their lack of belief.

'_Sure_ you are, Edward,' Tanya said, rolling her eyes.

'We're not stupid, Edward,' Kate smiled. 'We know that if you have sex with your wife, it will be in a safe way, with use of condoms or something of the sort. _Edward Cullen_ could _never_ have a daughter accidentally.'

Bella pressed her lips together and avoided their gazes.

'I believe them,' Carmen said quietly.

Eleazar stared at her as if she were crazy. 'You do?!'

Carmen shrugged. 'Well, Mrs Meyer needed one of us to be the comprehensive and rational vampire, right? Otherwise, we'd be here discussing whether to touch Nessie or not during another ten pages.'

'Yeah, seriously, this is getting boring, just touch the damn girl already,' Emmett said, scowling.

As soon as they'd all seen that they were telling the truth – from Renesmee's point of view – they were all willing to be witnesses for the Cullens, or even fight and die alongside them. Apparently, Nessie not only was absolutely beautiful, intelligent, cute, and sweet, but also had the power to plant in everyone's mind a psychotic deathwish. There was a general laughter around the room when Nessie touched Eleazar and he exclaimed in Spanish, '_Ay caray!_'. However, who laughed the hardest were the Spanish-speaking fans.

'I didn't know Mrs Meyer could speak Spanish,' Bella whispered to her husband.

'She _cannot_,' Rosalie snorted. 'She just translates words in Google. Have you seen the Midnight Sun transcript? She couldn't speak Spanish if her life depended on it.'

'So, we're all gonna die, then?' Tanya asked the Cullen family when she was done with Renesmee.

'Yes, since that _angel_ of a sister of yours has ratted us all out, signing our death with her own venom,' Emmett stated matter-of-factly.

'Aro will kill us all, except those whose talents he desires, obviously,' Eleazar said, pacing around the room. 'Renesmee will be one of the lucky ones to survive. She's very talented – but of course, look at the parent's she's got. A mind-reader, and a shield.'

'A _what_?' Bella blurted out.

'A shield,' Eleazar repeated, rolling his eyes. 'She's not very clever, is she?' he added in a whisper to his wife, who nodded.

'But… I thought my power was being super hot and sexy!' Bella exclaimed, clearly disappointed.

Eleazar laughed. 'Of course it's not!'

Rosalie's smile was a little too smug.

'Wait – a shield?' Emmett asked, staring at his sister-in-law. 'But… that would make you a Lily Evans!'

Everybody stared at him.

'She's a shield – a shield of love! Like _Lily Evans_! She will die to protect us all!'

'Are you kidding me?' Rosalie said. 'First necromancy, then pedophilia, incest, and now plagiarism?'

'I was _right_!' Emmett exclaimed, grabbing Renesmee. 'She _is_ Harry Potter! And –' his eyes widened as the meaning of it sunk in. '- and Aro, he is _VOLDEMORT_! And he's coming to kill her and _all of us_!THE STORY _REPEATS_!'

'It seems Mrs Meyer ran out of dreams and Muse songs,' Rosalie sighed, shaking her head.

'J.K. Rowling must be turning all over in her grave,' Jacob muttered.

'But she's not dead!' Bella exclaimed.

'HA! Another lawsuit she'll be filing _this_ year!' Emmett laughed triumphantly.

'Eleazar said _shield_, not _shield of love_!' Edward shouted over their voices, exasperated. 'What's wrong with you? You _really_ need to stop reading Harry Potter.'

Emmett fell silent.

'We'll, if she's a shield, she won't feel anything now!' Kate said cheerfully, before jumping on Bella and sending an electric current of three hundred and twenty volts all over her body.

'KATE, NO!' Edward shouted, but Bella had merely shrugged.

'Can't feel it,' she said with a complacent smile.

'Can you project it outwards?' Tanya asked her.

'Well, let's see if you can project it to Edward!' Kate beamed, and threw herself on him.

'But I don't know how to –!' Bella started to say before she was interrupted by a loud 'AAAAAAAAARGHHH!' coming from her husband only two steps away from where she was standing. '_Kate!_' Bella yelled at her.

'My bad,' Kate said, shrugging, while Edward looked completely like shit. 'Let's try again!'

'_BUT I DON'T KNOW HOT TO PROJECT –_!'

'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGGH!'

'Oops.'

'I have to learn to project it! It will take some time to do so!'

'Okay. How about _now_, then?'

'_WOMAN, GIVE ME SOME TI_–!'

'_AAAAADSKJHFBJSHDFVHSDVB_!'

'Dammit, Bella, you're hurting him!' Kate shouted at her.

'_What?!_' the brunette shrieked in outrage.

'Stop it, Kate,' Tanya told her sister. 'Look at the state of him, poor thing!'

Everybody turned to Edward.

His eye twitched.

'Sorry, mate,' Kate said, punching him friendly in the arm and accidentally sending a current over to him.

'_AAAAAGGGKKKKSSSSSSSS_!'

'_KATE_!' Tanya bellowed.

'Oh my _God_, Edward, are you alright?' Bella asked, hurrying over to his side. His hair was making a sizzling sound and his right eye was twitching worst than ever.

'Don't –' _Twitch_. '- worry, Bella. I'm –' _Twitch_. '- completely –' _Twitch_. '- fine.' _Twitch_ _twitch_.

'Kate, no offense,' Rosalie suddenly said, turning to her. 'But… you _seriously_ remind me of someone else…'

'Oh, I know, I know!' Emmett jumped up and down excitedly. 'That hot chick from _Heroes_!'

'Yes!' Bella exclaimed. 'The electric-current girl, Elle!'

'Speaking of plagiarism…' Rosalie muttered, rolling her eyes.

'And you're blonde too,' Emmett pointed out. 'Long, blonde hair, vindictive, electricity in her hands. Yep, copycat all the way.'

'So we're trying to take down the Volturi with a Lily Evans wannabe, a baby, a plagiarized TV character, and a fried vampire?' Jacob asked, laughing with incredulity.

Edward's eye twitched murderously.

'Here come the rest of the army,' Bella announced, nodding towards the front garden of the Cullen's house. 'Get ready for round two.'

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**If you hate Carmen as much as I do, raise your hand. I hate emotional, sensitive, comprehensive characters who are just thrown in to make things easier.**

**Now, my Alpha power commands you to _review_. (Yes, I'm evil.)**

**Love, Me :3**

**PS: Those fans who criticized lovely Meyer for the shield thing - you are all crazy. It's the _only_ logical thing in the whole book. Plus, who said it was a shield of love? Really, the extents to which certain fans can go...**


	13. Here They Come On Their Ponies

**So, this is the thing. I finished the chapter Sunday night, as I always do. But when I tried to upload it on Monday, Fanfiction wouldn't let me login. Did it happen to you guys too? It went on for several days until today, finally, I was able to update for you. It is one of my longest chapters, and yet it is rather crappy from my point of view.**

**Another matter. I will, now, be updating less frequently. I have just started classes yesterday - my final year at high school, so I'll be busy with homework and, later on, with vocational talks and universities and stuff. That will come mid-year, so don't worry about it till then. Right now, enjoy what I write between maths homeworks, Shakespeare essays, and Chemistry tests. (I wonder how many people actually read this ANs? Hmm. If you got till here, tell me what your favourite colour is in your review.)**

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**CHAPTER 15 – HERE THEY COME ON THEIR** **PONIES.**

After a very tiring two days, they were all together again. Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie and Emmett had come back home with help from the outside, and even Alice had sent help from wherever she was – obviously, out of pity for their terrible, terrible fate. There were a gazillion vampires in the Cullen house, which, for Jacob, meant that down in La Push, lots of innocent little pubescent teens were fursploding maniacally.

Bella had had to repeat her Lion King maneuver for almost every guest, until Emmett knelt down before her and proclaimed eternal servitude to the 'mutant Queen.' Peter and Charlotte arrived first of all, having been sent by Alice. These are actually the only vampires that we have heard being mentioned before in Jasper's very emo story, because the rest of the vampires – aside from the Denalis – have _never_, _ever_ been mentioned not even in passing before, and they just turn up out of nowhere because Meyer needs an army. She couldn't have done with seventeen massive puppies and eight very talented vampires, so she made up a few characters to fill in, resulting in a very strange reaction from fans, similar to the following:

'_WTF_?!'

Later arrived the Irish coven – because besides being the hottest vampire ever, Carlisle Cullen can also cross the Atlantic Ocean in only a couple of hours of swimming. Siobhan was a very, very big woman, whose description in the book suggests the word, 'voluptuous.' She was once Gerard Butler's bodyguard in Dublin while filming '_P.S.: I Love You_', apparently. Her mate, Liam, is so unimportant that we won't even mention him and will play no role whatsoever in the proceedings of this story. However, there's also a little fellow called Maggie, who is absolutely awesome, since she can detect lies. Poor the guy who tried to two-time this girl.

Next, the Egyptian coven arrived. Amun is, apparently, the manipulative leader whose supernatural power is be an asshole to everyone, including his sex slave, Kebi, who is forbidden to talk, smile, move, breathe, or show any emotion unless permitted by Amun. Benjamin, however, is Amun's weapon – his supernatural powers consist in manipulating Earth's elements, being able to not stop being so fucking cheerful, and taking Amun's crap. According to Bella, Benjamin's mate, Tia, was reserved and very deep. According to the general public, Tia was raped when little and still suffers trauma.

Then came the most awesome, coolest vampire ever, by the name of Garrett. Garrett was, physically, just like Movie!James, and because he was Emmett's friend, he just _had_ to be a funny risk-taker. He was also a ladies man, so immediately after he entered the house, he hurried to chat up the blonde Denalis, hoping to have forever-sex with Kate.

Mary and Randall were so, so, _so_ unimportant, that they practically didn't exist.

Along with Carlisle's arrival came yet _another_ vampire, Alistair, a very paranoid vampire who thought that _everyone_ was on to him, and had the ability to hide under rocks. Literally. He had not wanted to come to the little costume party the Cullen's were having, but, for some unknown reason, he still did. Maybe he had little will power, maybe Meyer's Magic Mind said, 'Oh, we need someone to create doubt and fear amongst the good ones! _God_, I love being Dumbledore-style.'

Some time later, the Amazons arrived. Here, we are presented with Mrs Meyer's ignorance about South America once again – she has dressed Zafrina and Senna in leopard thongs. She probably makes them dance around a fire singing chants in the language of the Devil too. Senna never speaks a word, and one cannot be sure whether she is Zafrina's lesbian mate or what (though Mrs Meyer insists on the contrary), but the probabilities that the three Amazons maintain a highly homoerotic relationship is very high. They probably fuck alligators as well. Zafrina is, however, a most talented vampire – she can create illusions. This may come in handy at _all_ times – when fighting Aro, she can make the Volturi see an ass-kicking army of a thousand soldiers; when emo, she can escape life's realities by taking a little imaginary trip to Cuba.

Meanwhile, Edward's twitching eye had not been able to recover, since Kate continuously used him as the guinea pig in Bella's attempt to expand her shield.

'I can't _do_ this!' Bella exclaimed after twenty-three failed attempts, while Edward laid fried on the garden floor. 'Some of the self-pity and very, very low self-esteem I used to have in my human days is coming back!'

'NO!' Jacob shouted, terrified. 'NOT THE SELF-PITY!'

'Bella, darling,' Edward tried to smile but winced in pain. 'You're doing just fine. Give it some –' _Twitch_. '- time.'

'I know!' Kate said, suddenly excited. 'Since your lame, fake love for Edward is not enough for you to expand –'

'Fake? _Lame_?' Bella spat, glaring at the blonde vampire with rage. 'Are you mental? Are you _blind_? Can't you see Edward's perfect body, his strong, sexy muscles, and that sensual ass? How can _anybody_ _not_ love _that_?! My love towards him is _so_ pure and sincere! He's extremely beautiful and good and _beautiful_! I'm very, very much in love!'

Kate rolled her eyes. 'Whatever. I'm shocking your daughter.'

Edward's good eye widened in horror. 'Kate, I don't know if that would be the -' _Twitch_. '- right thing.'

'Mother, I want to help!' Renesmee exclaimed happily as she swiftly jumped into her Mother's arms. 'I shall aid you in your quest for self-improvement so you can be a better vampire being.'

'No fucking way,' Bella said, more as a warning to Kate, who was approaching dangerously towards them, than a denial for her daughter. 'Kate, _stay away_.'

'I SHOCK YOU!' Kate screamed in a hiss, showing her fangs and grinning maniacally. Everyone screamed, but nothing happened, because no one had been shocked at all.

'I can't –' _Twitch._ '- hear the mutant.'

'Jolly good!' Kate beamed.

Bella was still staring furiously at her. 'Renesmee, go with Zafrina. Kate, let's do this one more time, but _Edward only_, because I don't want to hurt my baby. Edward is, however, extremely disposable. Let's do this.'

But Edward wasn't able to feel anything either (a relief for Bella, because if he was shocked to death, then she would be having a problem satisfying her very sexual needs.)

'People, don't panic, I'll be blinding you for a moment,' Zafrina announced, and instantly there were gasps.

'OH MY GOD!' somebody shouted, and everyone turned to 'watch' Alistair, his gaze lost in space, moving around blindly with his arms stretched out before him. 'IT'S ALEC! HE'S HERE! HE'S BLINDED MEEE! _RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN_!'

'SHUT THE FUCK UP!' Tanya bellowed at him, blinded, but calm. 'IT'S ZAFRINA, YOU MORON!'

'OH NO! ZAFRINA IS ALEC! _RUUUUUUUUUUUN_!'

'SOMEBODY THROW HIM A MATCH!' Maggie yelled, covering her ears.

'Oh, so now you think we should kill vampires because they're annoying?' Carmen demanded, assuming Maggie was at her right and staring blindly at nothing, while Maggie, at her left, gasped.

'He's a pain in the ass!' Maggie screamed.

'YOU'RE ALL CONSPIRERS! YOU BROUGHT ME HERE TO _KILL ME_!'

'IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP I'LL DISMEMBER YOUR DICK SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY!' Tanya was still screaming towards nothing.

'That doesn't mean we should kill him! If that was correct, we would all be dead by now!'

'YOU SHALL NEVER EVER KILL ME, YOU VICIOUS, LYING VAMPIRES!'

'HEY! WATCH WHO YOU CALL VICIOUS!' Garrett shouted.

'Oh, would we? Why do you say that? Is it perhaps I annoy you, too?'

'AND THEN I'LL GRAB MY POCKET KNIFE AND CUT YOUR BALLS AND EAT THEM IN MY SOUP!'

'YOU ARE ALL RAVING! _YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME ALIIIIIIIIIVE_!'

'_No_, you don't annoy me, but –'

'LIAR! I ANNOY YOU!'

'HEEEEEELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!'

'… AND I'LL CUT YOUR THROAT SO YOU SHALL NEVER SCREAM AGAIN, YOU CREEPY, PARANOIC RAT!'

'OKAY, maybe you annoy me _a little_…!'

'I ANNOY YOU A LOT, YOU LYING, MEXICAN SCUM!'

'_WATCH IT!_ I'M MEXICAN TOO, YOU FREAKING MIDGET!'

Everyone stopped shouting to stare at Amun. 'What? It's true.'

'What's going on here?' Benjamin asked as he stepped out into the open. Zafrina had already released everyone from her illusions, and they were all sighing in relief. Maggie glared murderously at Carmen, and Tanya made a good-bye gesture to Alistair with her eyes fixed on his privates. 'I think I heard some _anger_ over here!' Benjamin beamed, staring at the vampires. 'How about we fix our problems with… the _Snap Cup_!' he exclaimed enthusiastically while snapping his fingers. Tia imitated him.

'Somebody kill him,' Kate muttered.

'Ooh, I sense some _resentment_ over there!' Benjamin said joyfully as he frowned mockingly at Kate.

'Oh, oh, I want the Snap Cup!' Bella exclaimed jumping up and down with Renesmee bobbing in her arms.

But their plans were suddenly forgotten as a woman's scream was heard from inside the house. Every vampire, werewolf and mutant run inside as quickly as possible, but they only found Esme, Rosalie, Emmett, and Carlisle, who had opened the front door to show two new guests.

'Who screamed?' Edward demanded hurriedly. 'Esme?'

Esme shook her head.

Edward frowned. 'Rosalie?'

'Nope.'

'Er… that was me,' Emmett admitted.

'We gave him some nice fright, didn't we?' one of the newcomers was telling the other. They looked… Well, frankly, they looked just taken out of Matrix Revolutions.

'Yes we did!' the other one replied.

'This is Fred-Vladimir,' the first one said, gesturing to the second one.

'And this is George-Stefan,' the second one said, gesturing to the first one.

'We're so pleased to see that finally some vampires are going to kick some Mafia ass,' said George-Stefan, grinning.

Everyone gaped at them.

'_Ozzy Osbourne_?' Emmett whispered, awed.

'No, but he's my cousin,' Fred-Vladimir said, nodding.

'Bella,' Edward called his wife warily. 'Maybe you should show them Renesmee.'

'Who cares about the freaking mutant?' Stefan said, rolling his eyes.

'Yes, she can go rot in hell for all we care,' Vladimir nodded.

'We want to see the WB die, that's all,' Stefan finished.

'_YES_!' Emmett exclaimed. 'I was _so_ disappointed when they told us they were changing the release date! I mean, more than half a year later! Are you kidding me? And replacing it with that crappy Twilight movie? _Please_, I –'

'We meant Jane and Alec,' Vladimir said quietly.

Emmett stared at them. 'Oh. Right. Me too.'

'Hai, Kate!' Garrett called from the garden.

'Yes?' Kate asked warily, approaching him cautiously.

'They tell me… you can shock _anything_,' Garrett winked at her.

Kate smiled mischievously. 'Oh, it is quite true.'

'They also tell me you can put a vampire flat on his back… if you get what I mean.'

Kate wetted her lips with the tip of her tongue. 'Wanna try?' she asked sensually while slowly offering him her hand.

Garrett stared at her hand for a moment, and then back at her. 'What do I want that for?' he asked, confused, and Kate frowned, puzzled.

'You didn't mean my electricity?' she asked perplexedly.

'Of course _not_! Geez! Why is it so hard to get a woman shag you these days?' Garrett wondered as he shook his head, walking away from her.

'Indeed!' Emmett muttered, sitting on the porch steps. Rosalie smacked the back of his head. '_What_? It's true! When was the last time we had sex?'

'_Yesterday_!' Rosalie replied between gritted teeth, trying to prevent the rest from hearing and failing massively, since every vampire ear was intently overhearing their conversation.

'Yes, but that was some lousy sex,' Emmett went on, unabashed. 'I mean, when I'm on top, it's not as fun as when –'

'_Emmett_!' Rosalie hissed, glancing at the others.

'- on top, because you know how to make these awesome positions, but yesterday you were so _bad_…!'

'_EMMETT_!' Rosalie bellowed, growling threateningly.

'I'm sorry, Rosalie,' Emmett said in a solemn voice, 'but I cannot stop my mouth. I speak nothing but the truth. Let the world know what a bad fucker you are. I cannot hold back my vampire superpower.'

'YOU DON'T HAVE A VAMPIRE SUPERPOWER!'

'Hey, little one,' Stefan greeted as he approached Maggie. She eyed him suspiciously. 'I love your hair.'

'No you don't.'

Stefan was taken aback for a moment. 'Well… But I certainly do love the red in it.'

'No you don't.'

Stefan grimaced and then smiled. 'Anyway, maybe we could get together some time after this is over? I wouldn't want to lose contact with you.'

Maggie remained silent at this, and Stefan seemed satisfied.

'Just so we could get a coffee and chat. I'd really like chatting with you in the future.'

'No you wouldn't.'

'Okay… Then maybe you could come visit me in Romania. I could show you my house. I'd love to show you my bed, it's an antique.'

'No you wouldn't.'

At this, all the house turned to stare at Stefan and Maggie. If Stefan didn't want sex with her, then what did he want?

Under all the vampire stared, Stefan trembled and then succumbed; he fell to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably.

'_Alright!_ I admit it! I was putting up a façade so you wouldn't notice! But I – I – I'm _gay_! I'm secretly in love with Alistair and have been for three and a half centuries!'

Everyone turned to stare at Alistair, who was staring at Stefan in shock. 'I, erm… I do not correspond those feelings, just so everyone knows.' He glared at the vampires as if daring to contradict them.

'Oh, _please_, Alistair!' Stefan exclaimed from the floor. 'We could be like the old greeks! We could discuss poetry and practice sodomy! I shall be Dumbledore, and you shall be my Grindelwald!'

Thus, the true reason why Alistair escaped the Cullen residence.

Meanwhile, Siobhan was encountering another type of… _tiny_ problems.

'It was my mother,' Hagrid was telling a very startled Siobhan. 'She was one o' the las' ones in Britain. Me dad was broken-hearted when she wen'. Tiny little bloke, my dad was. By the time I was six I could lift him up an' put him in top o' the dresser. Used ter make him laugh. I just knew – I knew you were like me. Was it yer mother or yer father?'

'I – I don't know what you mean,' Siobhan said quickly while glancing at the door in fright.

'No, don' go! I've – I've never met another one before!'

'Another _what_?!' Siobhan exclaimed.

'Another half-giant, o' course!'

'How _dare_ you!' Siobhan shrieked. 'I have never been more insulted in my life! Half-giant? _Me_? My – _my father was Schwarzenegger_!'

'Hey, everyone!' Benjamin exclaimed while Garrett sucked Hagrid's blood. 'It's time to practice our 'bend and snap'! Gather in the living room, please!'

'_No_! Not the 'bend and snap' _again_!' Jacob wailed, and Renesmee patted him on the shoulder.

'I can sympathize with what you are feeling right now, my dear Jacob,' she said in her high pitched voice. 'But I myself find it useful when I apply it to Einstein's theory of relativity.'

'Now, now, Eleazar,' Benjamin said, shaking his head. 'A little less bend, a little more snap. Watch how Carlisle's doing it! Well done, Carlisle!'

The vampires turned to stare at him. 'Bend…' he muttered to himself, absorbed, while bending low with his back straight, '… and _snap_!'

He then realized he was the centre of attention of practically everyone, and looked away, embarrassed. 'What? I've had my centuries to practice.'

'It worked on me,' Esme beamed.

'YOU LIAR!' someone shouted, and eyes fell on Maggie, but she was busy bending. It was then that they noticed Emmett, Neo I and Neo II playing _Risk_.

'You got two ones and a three!' Emmett exclaimed angrily. 'You're cheating.'

'Okay, _fine_, take the damn country!' Vladimir said, crossing his arms.

'YES!' Emmett turned to the lot of vampires staring at him with a dark, dangerous expression. '_Kamchatka's mine now._ MOOHAHAHA!'

Bella and Edward exchanged wary glances.

They both wished Aro would come soon just to get rid of all the crap they had to stand right now.

* * *

**I really doubt that twenty-eight vampires inside a single house live all peacefully together. I'm sure their problems would be something like, "Oh, I ate this girl the other day," and the Cullens get pissed off and are all "YOU BITCH THAT WAS MY WHORE" but you get what I mean.**

**Love, Me :3**

**PS: ****I love playing Risk. In my country it's called TEG. (Stands for Tactic and Strategic Plan of War.)**

**But I can never conquer Australia.**


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